Man vs Wild

While on my computer around 1 O'clock yesterday talking to my friend Amanda on facebook, I heard a rustling in my utility closet. Being rude, and stepping away from my computer, I opened the door and was confronted by a F'ing SQUIRREL crawling on the back wall of the closet like a lizard! That's right, there was a squirrel in my utility closet - the closet that had the heater and water heater at the top of my stairs.

When confronted by this furry squirrly creature, I did what any man would do, I screamed like a little girl and slammed the door shut! Thinking that it was stuck in there, I went directly back to my computer and sent an email my rental place, telling them that there was a squirrel in my closet, and I needed them to send someone out to fix this... at this point, I just thought that the squirrel had chewed a hole somewhere, and there was a hole in my closet that needed to be fixed. So, I wasn't too worried about it, yet.

Once I had hit the send button on the email, I turned to my right, and guess what? The F'ing squirrel was in my room! I screamed like a little girl again, and threw my hands in the air; when it started running right at me, I started screaming even louder and ran out of my bedroom - that's where my computer is - down the stairs and right out the damn door of my apartment!

Luckily, I had my phone in my pocket, because I right then and there on my front doorstep called the rental place and told them I needed both an exterminator and a priest, because I thought the squirrel was possessed by the way it kept coming after me. The rental people told me - after I finally said the word squirrel like four time because she couldn't believe it either - that they needed to call Animal Control to humanely get the creature out. So, I sat on my front porch for over an hour, grading papers, and waiting for someone to rescue me from this rabid creature. And the entire time I was out there, I swear I saw this same damn squirrel right in front of me, eating nuts, but stopping and trying to stare me down, looking at me like, "My buddy's got your turf now... Bitch!"

Finally, the Animal Control guy showed up, and went upstairs to get the squirrel... unfortunately, he couldn't find it. So, finally, I warily crept back into my apartment, feeling really anxious that this damn squirrel was going to run right at me again, and this time make me piss myself. Finally, I went back upstairs and start talking to the Animal Control guy. He told me that while he looked throughout my entire upstairs, he couldn't find the damn thing, so he assumes it went back into the closet - there's about half an inch gap between floorboard and door and that's how he squeezed through and got out of the closet initially, I think - and had left the building. However, I asked the guy if he has any squirrel traps, because if he's gotten in once, he's surely going to come back and bully me again. He said that no, he didn't have any with him, and I'd have to go down to the main office, and put a deposit on one if I wanted it. I then asked if I should be worried about this, and his response to this questions was, "Well, it's pretty unlikely that the squirrel's got rabies, because any of the bigger rabies holders, like raccoons and such - would just tear a squirrel to shreds. So I wouldn't worry about that. However, it is a squirrel in your house, so I'd not be too comfortable with it being around." My next thought was, "Shit! Thanks dude, how the hell am I suppose to sleep tonight, without waking up thinking I've got a f'ing squirrels tail on my face." However, I had already skipped one class waiting for this guy to show up, and I couldn't miss the other, so I figured I'd go get the trap tomorrow morning (Thursday, this all happened yesterday on Wednesday), and I'd deal with a trapped squirrel when it was caught a few days later. However, before I left, I had a couple of random bricks in the utility closet, and I placed them in front of the gap of the door and the floorboard because that should block the squirrel's entrance into my apartment.

So, I get back from class and decided to goof off for a while before I go to bed. However, around 12:30, I'm ready to go to sleep. I walk up, take my shirt off, and turn on the light in my bedroom... Squirrel! And it's running and hopping and having a great time... especially when it hears me scream like a little girl again, and run down the stairs! The damn squirrel was back, and animal control isn't open this late, so I had absolutely no options. So, I did the only think I could, prayed and hoped to God that the damn thing wouldn't come down stairs and I slept on my couch.

I woke up at 8 O'Clock, and steeled myself to going back upstairs, to see if the squirrel was still up there, or if I should go get a squirrel trap. So, I'm walking up my stairs without turning the light on, and about halfway up the flight, I notice this really dark spot in the corner at the very top of the landing and i think to myself, that can't be the f'ing squirrel, can it? But I'm not going to chance it, so I went back down stairs, turned the light on and quietly walked back up the flight. In the corner, hanging out, stretching up the wall, was that damn squirrel just waiting for me!

So, I quickly walked back down the stairs, and called animal control again. However, I started feeling really self-conscious, because I didn't have a shirt on, and wanted to appear somewhat presentable to whomever showed up. So, I went halfway back up the flight of stairs, and looked to see if the squirrel was still there. He was. So, I went back down again, not knowing what to do. Finally, I bucked up enough courage to go up the stairs, keeping as far away from the stretching squirrel as possible, went into my room and got a t-shirt to put on. And when going back down the stairs, I again tried to stay as far as humanly possible from the animal, so that it wouldn't run at me again, and I wouldn't scream.

The interesting thing was, it didn't even seem to respond to my presence when I was slowly inching past it, and hadn't moved since I first looked at it. So, I wasn't sure if it was dead or alive, but there was no way in hell I was going to be the one who checked to see.

Finally around 10, the animal control guy showed up, and it's the same guy from yesterday. He says, "Is he back?" And I tell him how I again screamed like a little girl last night, but that it's been in the same position since I woke, appearing to stretch itself up the corner of the wall. I then said, "I'm not really sure if it's dead or alive, but I figured I'd let you handle it either ways." So, I guess it must be protocol for the animal service guys to always leave the front door open, because he did the same thing yesterday; so I moved away from the opendoor way, because if that f'ing squirrel wasn't dead, I wasn't going to be in its line of sight if it made a run for it. Moving away from the staircase, and I went and sat on my couch. I then heard the animal control guy doing something upstairs, and then yelling, "It's not dead!"

This exclamation was followed by him yelling, "It ran into the bathroom!" Clomp Clomp Clomp (those are his boot running after the squirrel) and then a door slamming. I then heard quite a bit of ruckus going on in the bathroom for about 5 minutes. Finally, the animal control guy came out, with the squirrel. I took a picture of it, because I didn't think the teacher of the class I skipped would believe me otherwise. Goddamn squirrels!

So, let's sum up and find the point of this encounter: squirrels are all fun and cuddly, until they're running at you in your bedroom - my sanctum sanctorum. Then at that point, they become ferocious beast, with sharp f'ing teeth and an intention to kill me in their beady eyes. And if I were a more courageous man, I might have put my boots on and kicked the shit out of the thing, but I would rather let a professional do there job, and knowing my luck, that thing would probably just scurry up my leg, because, in the end all it was really after were my nuts.